A
Audience – It’s all very well putting on a play but someone has to a) pay good money to see it and b) stay until the end for it to be a success. Don’t get me wrong though, it has to be more than one person, and they can’t be related to any of the cast members. And it helps if your play has someone vaguely famous in it as well, or someone who can act.
Applause – What you, the audience member (see above) is expected to do at the end of the performance. Loud whooping cheers are, unfortunately, not de rigueur.
Actors – Borderline schizophrenics/personality disorder sufferers who spend a lot of their time pretending to be other people. Good ones get to be photographed scoffing donuts/blowing their nose/arguing in the street for Heat magazine.
Agents – Take a percentage of actor’s wages in return for sending them to soul-crushing castings where old pervy men letch on them.

B
Behaviour – Be on your best for a trip to the theatre. No shouting out (unless it’s panto, but really, that’s for kids), no rustling bags of barley sugars and no laughing in the middle of Hamlet.
Bar – Every theatre should have one. Escape to it in the interval if things aren’t going too well. Remember, just because you’ve paid you’re under no obligation to go back for the second half…especially if the barman’s cute.

C
Chorus – A.K.A extras. Often the most entertaining members of a cast. Watch for the excessive gurning as ‘beggar woman’ tries to attract the attention of the casting agent in the front row.
Curtains – Red velvet affairs that open and close repeatedly at the end of the show as the actors bow to each and every single member of the audience in turn.

D
Drama School – Where the small seedlings of young wannabees are fed and watered to become the mighty oak trees of acting. Allegedly. Alternatively, they help future boy band members learn how to wink at the cameras cheekily.
Discount tickets – Head for the ticket box in the centre of the West End for cheap tickets, with a coach load of US tourists who can quite easily afford to pay full whack but are being cheapskates and indulging in a prime bit of UK bartering.

E
Experimental theatre – “I mean, of course Shakespeare was a genius, but his relevance to today is limited. Me and Julio are putting on a more symbolic, contemporary piece, mostly silence punctuated with erratic dance movements, to demonstrate the asylum seekers struggle in this country”. Bloody students.
Eyes – Most plays are improved greatly by the ability of audience members to see.

F
Fans – Even theatre has its groupies. Hang around the stage door to present Dame Judy with a lock of your hair.

G
Globe, The – Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre is a faithful reconstruction of the open-air playhouse where Shakespeare worked in 1599. Situated on London’s Bankside, and founded by American actor/director Sam Wanamaker, it’s dedicated to promoting the performance of Shakespeare’s works.

H
Hands - Good for clapping with.

I
Ivy, The – In the heart of the West End, situated opposite the St Martin’s Theatre, this celeb-heavy restaurant first attracted the showbiz set after they began to drop in for a quick bite after starring in a play. It’s still frequented by actors as well as people like Kate Moss, Nigella Lawson, Marianne Faithful, Posh & Becks and just about everyone who’s anyone in the London world. Having trouble finding it? Just look for the motorbike-straddling paparazzi loafing about outside.
Interval – Or halftime if you’d prefer football terminology.

J
Jokes – There are very few in Hamlet.

K
Kinky – Erotic theatres are a different genre altogether.
Kippers – It’s still considered bad form to throw seafood at the cast, however bad the performance.

L
Les Miserables – 3 gruelling hours of peasant moaning and revolutionary antics. Luvvies across the globe have decided that this musical adaptation of Victor Hugo’s novel is a theatrical masterpiece. Eavesdrop on any stage school audition and you’ll hear a rendition of ‘On My Own’.
Luvvies – People who really, really like the theatre.

M
Mousetrap, The – The world’s longest running play of any kind, Agatha Christie’s murder mystery has been going for almost 50 years now. Catch it at the St Martin’s Theatre in London’s West End, along with Japnese tourists in their droves.
Macbeth – A.K.A ‘The Scottish Play’. Mentioning the play’s name in a theatre is considered bad luck.
Musicals – Because people outside of the mental healthcare system sporadically burst into song, don’t they?
Mamet, David - Respected American playwright.
Mendes, Sam – Well respected film and theatre director (American Beauty, Road to Perdition). Goes out with Kate Winslet.

N
Newspaper – Handy for theatre listings, audition notices and ‘Madonna Tries To Be An Actress’ stories. Also if you want to see an ex-Corrie star in the buff on stage but don’t want to pay extortionate ticket prices, just take a look at the smuggled pics in the tabloids.

O
Ovation – It’s customary to give a standing ovation (stand up and clap) when a play has been particular good. It doesn’t really matter what your personal opinion is, if one clever sod decides that Year 12’s version of The Sound of Music was astonishing everyone else has to stand up to avoid looking like a killjoy.
Opera – Painful.

P
Programme – Glossy pamphlet you’re pressured into buying because everyone else has one. Contains a boring forward about the history of the play and press photos with career ‘highlights’ of all the cast. Good for seeing just how many of the performers have had bit parts in Casualty.
Popcorn – Generally frowned upon.

Q
Queue – For tickets at the box office, for an overpriced soda pop at the theatre bar, for the bogs during the interval. Our advice? Buy tickets online beforehand, take a bottle of Panda Cola with you and then use the empty container afterwards.

R
Restricted view – Cheaper tickets are available for seats that are stuck behind pillars. When they say restricted though, they mean restricted, unless you can miraculously see through marble. Sometimes can be a blessing in disguise.
Reviews – Keep actors and playwrights awake at night. Angry at the world in general and want everyone to suffer? Become a reviewer.
Rice, Tim – Partner in crime to Sir Lloyd Webber (see W).

S
Spacey, Kevin – The new artistic director at London’s Old Vic Theatre.
Shakespeare – Thanks to him school kids all over the country are still suffering through the ‘hilarious’ antics of A Midsummer Night’s Dream in order to pass their A levels. Do people still find 70s TV show ‘Mind Your Language’ funny? No, exactly, comedy dates.
School Trips – See Shakespeare.

T
TV star – McCutchen, Van Outen, Sweeney. They’ve all moved from mediocre TV programmes to become West End ‘stars’.
Totty – Of the intellectual kind. Wax lyrical about the exciting stage design in the bar afterwards and bag yourself a clever clogs.

U
US Stars – All desperate to ‘do theatre’ in dear old Blighty. Hence in recent years Gwynneth Paltrow, Madonna, Nicole Kidman, Anna Paquin and Freddy Prince Junior (Jeessus!) have all helped builders to learn about the theatre over their fried egg butties from puff pieces about them in the tabloids.

V
Venue – Unsurprisingly it’s usually a theatre but Roman amphitheatres and botanical gardens are popular for summer performances.

W
Webber, Sir Andrew Lloyd – King of the stage musicals. Responsible, with Tim Rice, for creating Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat, Phantom of the Opera, Evita, Cats, and indirectly thousands of piss-poor secondary school drama club renditions of the above. Recent new productions of his plays have helped resurrect the careers of Jason Donovan, Steven Gately and Phil Schofield.
West End – London’s theatre district, a whole heap of theatres and restaurants with theatre deals dotted round Covent Garden and Leicester Square.

X
X-rated – It’s not porn love, it’s art. Recent plays that have caused a stir with scenes of nudity are The Blue Room, Hitchcock Blonde, The Graduate and XXX.

Y
Youth Theatre – Where to send your precocious/hyperactive child at the weekend.

Z
Zeffirelli, Franco – Italian stage and film director and designer, noted for his work in opera.
Zany - Aren’t actors just soo, you know, like crazy!?!


Gayle Hetherington