It’s all very well having a lover whose stomach you can bounce tennis balls off, but what do you do when the rough and tumbling of your new relationship starts to step down a notch and you’re left with hours of awkward silences to fill? Could you honestly spend the majority of your spare time with someone who thinks Ravanelli is a type of pasta or that Australia’s first language is Australian? Not all geeks are sexually ambiguous losers with debatable coordination skills you know, despite what US teen shows would have us believe; and someone who can get so passionate about 18th century French literature should certainly be able to transfer that energy to the boudoir.

It’s time to start cruising the city’s libraries, coffee shops and bookstores and get ready to grab yourself your very own intellectual. And we’re on hand to tell you what to do when they actually fall for that weak line about you “always having wanted to see the Great Masters in the European cities that inspired them”.

THE DATE...

10AM
Meet under the oldest oak tree in your local park (the tea shop if the weather is being quintessentially British). Feed the ducks (show off your animal-loving side), admire the foliage (nature lover) and push a random kid on a swing (family type/paedophile).
Head for: Botanic Gardens

11.30AM
Your local art gallery is a bonus if talk is already becoming strained. Stare contemplatively at etchings, punctuating the silence with a few well-rehearsed plagiarised comments. For extra bonus points do a practice run a few days before hand so you know which artists to brush up on. For artistic insight read The 20th Century Book of Art.
Head for: Fitzwilliam Museum

12.30PM
Cool off with a cappuccino at a laidback café. One with some art on the walls should tie in nicely and if there’s a man playing bongos in the corner, all the better. NB. If you’re not sure where to go check the establishment’s paper rack, menu and clientele. Daily Star + fried egg sandwich + fluorescent-jacketed builders = not a good idea. The Independent + char-grilled chicken ciabatta + art students = intellectual heaven.
Head for: Richard's

3PM
If the idea of yet more pleasant chit-chat is filling you with thoughts of intellectual inadequacy, head for an arthouse cinema. Choose a ‘romantic classic’ rather than something with lots of guns, explosions and dick jokes - think Le Bout De Souffle, rather than Blade 2.
Head for: Cambridge Arts Picturehouse

6PM
Discuss the film over a bottle of something chilled at an independent bar. Get some filmie comments from the latest Halliwell’s film guide.
Head for: B

7PM
It’s not all Titus Andronicus at the theatre these days you know, and this date is supposed to be enjoyable for both of you. Pick something you can both appreciate, there’s no need to struggle through the Barber of Seville when Closer or The Blue Room are just as ‘worthy’ whilst being bang up to date.
Head for: Cambridge Arts Theatre

10PM
A late dinner in an unpretentious bistro. Brush up on your wine knowledge beforehand with a glance through Hugh Johnson’s Pocket Wine Book (it fits in your pocket/handbag too, so you can always sneak a look at it in the loo if you’re struggling).
Head for: Clowns

MIDNIGHT
You know in movies, when the sexy librarian takes off her horn-rimmed spectacles and shakes down her hair? Or when the geeky high school kid steps out of the shower and you realise he’s sporting a body of steel underneath that burgundy turtleneck? Well, a nightcap back at your place (framed Juergan Teller prints, a fine malt whisky, a well-thumbed tome of Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being, and an Ella Fitzgerald sings Gershwin CD) could trigger off such a transformation in your date. And if you remember that the body’s biggest sex organ is the brain, you could be in for one hell of a night.
Head for: The bedroom



Gayle Hetherington